Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
