I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
