I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
