Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
