Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
