I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
