I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
