i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
