dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
