One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
