I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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