Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
