tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
