Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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