i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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