Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
