So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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