Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
