so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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