Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
