2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
