why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
