dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
