If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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