watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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