There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
