Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
