Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
