Pappa wants mamma naked
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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