I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
