I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
