I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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