This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
