My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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