i used baking grease as lip gloss
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
