sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize