community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
