haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
