so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
