Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
