yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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