Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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