I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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