she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
