I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
