i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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