Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
