i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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