my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
