I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
