He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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