i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize