I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
soo... how was my night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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