I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just invented taco cereal.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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