In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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