she woke up with a sticky ear
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
