it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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