On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
