I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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